I Will Remember You
by Twinstar
Summary: Buffy and Angel take turns in their own POV about the day Angel turned human.
1. My Heart

A short bitter-sweet story from Buffy's POV about "the dream" she had when Angel was finally human.  
  
MY HEART'S DESIRE  
written by: Twinstar  
disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters Joss does.  
In this world Tara and Riley do not exist.  
The setting is after IWRY  
This is my first fan-fic so please be gentle but I would love feed  
back. I can be reached at: twinstar_dust@hotmail.com  
The * represents "the dream"  
Enjoy!  
  
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I remember, I was not suppose to. I know that's really strange but if you knew the world I belonged to, you wouldn't think so.  
  
I'm the Chosen One, the being who was prophesied to fight the things that go bump in the night. I'm suppose to be a loner, aloof, and ridged with discipline which combined with my slayer powers I'm a force to be reckoned with. But I'm what they call "unique of the unique". My attitude towards everything goes on the border of sarcasm and I have a flair to travel my own path. I don't do anything by the handbook. For one, I have friends who help me with the tasks of evil vanquishing. They are not an ordinary bunch of guys either. They have their own quarks and mannerisms. Willow a quiet, bookish kind of girl and one of my best friends who is also new to the art of Wicca. Oz, Willow's boyfriend is a werewolf who has deadpan humour and straightforward thinking. Zander my other best friend has what you can only call his own sense of style but whatever he lacks he makes up in heart. Zander who's always a magnet for unorthodox female companionship, has a ex-revenge demon named Anya for a girlfriend. My watcher Giles is not only my mentor but my father figure as well. Spike, a vampire, who in the past was our enemy before he was de-fanged is the last of the group we have dubbed the Scooby gang. But the one monumental thing that makes me different, from all the other slayers of the past, would be my undying love for a vampire.  
  
  
Now Angel is not just an ordinary vampire, he is cursed with a soul. (payback for all the pain and anguish he had committed over the years) The curse came with a condition, if he every experienced a moment of true happiness, he would lose his soul and become evil once again. On my seventeenth birthday was the day we crossed that condition. We consummated our love for each other and paid the price. Angelus, the evil one, came back with a vengeance. The only way to stop him and the destruction of the world was to bring him to hell. Moments before I stabbed him to close the portal, Willow re-cursed him and brought his soul back. I had no choice but to take my beloved's life, to bring back order to the world. I betrayed him with a kiss. I still can see the surprise look on his face when I had to plunge that sword into him. I will never forget. My duty to the calling of being a slayer was never as great and I didn't fail. Even the sacrifice of the love of my life didn't deter me from my destiny. I was lost after that. I had to get away to do some soul-searching on my own. I slowly came to terms with what I did and my life went back to the norm. Angel reappeared into my life after spending an equivalent of five hundred years in hell. He was changed by his experience, somewhat more broody and angst. After what seemed like an eternity of insecurities and guilt, we found each other again. We knew the consequences of our love for each other but we couldn't stop our feelings. Finally Angel decided (for my own good) to leave Sunnydale so that I could have a chance for a "normal" life. There was no discussion and in the end I just watched him walk away.   
  
He lives now in Los Angeles, and with the help of a former classmate and Scooby friend Cordelia and a half-demon named Doyle, he helps the helpless with the disguise of a detective agency. We keep our distance and during the times we do interact it's very awkward and painful. I just want to run into his arms and never let go. But what is the use, we can never be together even with all the love we share for each other. I would think that after all the good we do and the sacrifices we both endure, that we would be rewarded with the one true thing that we both want. It seems so unfair and if I ever brood on the subject I get a melancholy feeling. Our friends around us, no matter how much they care, don't understand the bond with have and the destiny we share.  
  
I have been experiencing the same dream night after night recently. They seem so real that most of the time I do not want to wake up and have them disappear.   
*****  
I'm walking on a pier and the sunlight is caressing my cheek. I tuck my hair away from my eyes and all of a sudden Angel appears in front of me. We just stare at each other for what seem like eons and then he finally takes my hand in his. We cling to each other never wanting to let go. He takes me to his apartment where he explains that he's human. I slowly take my hand and place it on his chest and I feel the soft thumping of his heart. The rhythmic motion of his chest moving with every breath he draws, awes me.  
  
I finally ask him how could this be and he starts explaining. He was fighting a Morah demon and he got hurt when he killed it. Both their bloods must of mixed, and due to the regenerative properties of the Morah's blood, it some how brought him back to life. They didn't know if the process was permanent so Doyle took Angel to see the Powers That Be (higher beings) who told him that he was human once more.  
  
I couldn't express my joy, I just wanted to keep touching him to know that it was all real. Once we were in each others arms again we didn't want to let go. We promised each other to take it slow and sure but it seemed like forever since we had contact with each other. Our feelings were a bonfire that could not be put out, it took a life of its own and we couldn't stop. We ended up expressing our love in a fashion that was unavoidable. This time there were no consequences, no evil in the lurk, just passion. Much later I was in his arms feeling and hearing his heartbeat and it lulled me to blissful sleep.  
  
While sleeping, Doyle informs Angel that the Morah demon was still alive and without any hesitation Angel gets ready to find and kill it. Doyle questions him stating that they should wake me up because I was the only one with powers. Angel shrugs and says that I look too peaceful and that he could do it all on his own. I wake up to an empty bed and the first thought was that it was all a dream. I look around and I'm in Angel's bed so I smile knowingly. I ask Cordelia for the whereabouts of Angel and I get angry when she tells me that Angel went to look for the demon all by himself. I run through the sewers and I finally catch up with him. He's taking a beating, not use to fighting without his vampire strength. I come to his aid and eventually kill the demon with a forceful blow. I take Angel's hand and we walk back to his apartment.  
  
I didn't realize that Angel feels terrible that he wasn't able to pull his own weight. He was use to being the protector not the one that needed protecting. Angel goes back to the Powers that Be and asks them about the future. They tell him that the "end of days" is on the horizon and because he's human, he's not able to help me. The power of the one is not enough but together as warriors the two make a difference. At that moment Angel makes a decision that would effect not only his "life" but mine as well. He tells the Powers to turn him back into the un-dead. They grant him his wish but they warn him that the day will be turned back as if it never happened and he'll be the only one to remember. Angel paused just for a split second and nodded . It was better that I forgot this wonderful day versus the terrible consequences if he let's it be.  
  
He tries to get back to me as quickly as possible. He wanted to make the best of the rest of the day we had together. This day would always be embedded in his heart and memory. He hoped that was enough, but deep inside he knew it wasn't. This, plus many other memories were going to be the crosses he was going to bear for eternity. When he got back to me at once I knew something was wrong. He tells me that we only have moments left until I forgets about the whole day that he was human.  
  
I have tears streaming down my face and when I look into his face it's a mirror of the anguish I feel. How can he decide what is best for me, for us? I feel like I'm being torn into two. Our destinies have once again turned on us. We, the warriors of peace have been denied again our heart's fondest wish. The Fates are cruel to the ones that serve them best. The Powers must be laughing at us, lesser beings. No matter how hard we fight we are compelled to do the heroes' duty. I sob into his chest, which is tense with emotion. I will never forget, I promise to myself and to him that I'll always remember. With the very last ounce of my soul I'll always remember...   
*****  
  
I always wake up then. I ways feel drained like I've lived a million years. I place my hand on my face and I can feel the present of tears. How can all that be just a dream? But how can it be real? I can still imagine how Angel's beating heart would feel and the sound it would make. The rhythm of every breath he made was imprinted in me forever. The feel of warm lips on mine and his warm body enveloping me until we were one.   
  
More tears slowly make a river down my face until I can't see straight and my chest felt like a boulder was on it. I try to shake the images away but they linger in my subconscious. I know deep in my heart and soul that it must of happened. I turn towards my night table and open the drawer. My fingers find what my heart is seeking. I look at the ring that Angel gave me long ago and then I clutch it to my heart. I suddenly feel at peace.   
  
I know deep inside that we will find a way to each other, no matter how hard the path or obstacles in front of us are. Our hearts and souls are always seeking the other half of each other. The Fates and Powers be dammed. Destiny? Angel and I are each others destiny.  
"Beloved, I will always remember and I'll wait until we meet again in the sun."   
  
The-End?  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Towards The Sun

TOWARDS THE SUN  
Written by Twinstar  
Disclaimer: All the characters belong to Joss  
This is Angel's POV and accompanies the story "My Hearts Desire."  
***** flashback into the past  
Enjoy! Please send me feed-back at twinstar_dust@hotmail.com  
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It was the hardest thing I have ever done but at the same time the easiest.  
  
I have lived for over two hundred years and I can truly say that the events of the past twenty-four hours were the most unforgettable ones in my lifetime. I will remember this day as the day I regained my humanity briefly and the day I finally knew what I would give up for the sake of love.   
  
The day started off just like many others that I've experienced over the years. I put my "life" at risk so that I can help those that are helpless. I'm the warrior who must fight evil for his redemption over past wrongs. I'm a vampire who is cursed with soul. My name is Angel.  
  
*****  
  
Years ago gypsies put a curse on me so that I could never harm anyone again and at the same time remember ever crime against humanity that I had committed. I wandered the earth after that as a shadow of non-existence. I still was a vampire but I couldn't feed because every memory weighed heavy in my heart that was no longer beating. I still would be lost if I didn't have a revelation to my purpose. I still can remember that day. I was lurking in the shadows and a "angel" came into my world. She was a ray of sunlight and the light of my world. Ironically she's the Chosen One, the vampire slayer. Buffy is her name and my saviour. For the first time I felt my curse as a blessing rather than a burden.  
  
I became her friend, her partner in battle, her lover. We tried to fight our feelings for each other. How could things work? I was a creature of the night while she was the defender, the instrument to keep the balance over good and evil. No matter how hard we tried we were draw to each other like a moth to a flame. We disillusioned ourselves into thinking that our odd relationship was going to work. I couldn't let her go. How could I? She's the reason why I have a purpose, a goal a sense of being. I'm not excepted in the vampire world because of my soul and I am not excepted in the normal human world because I'm a demon. The only thing that felt right was being with her. I would never of guessed that her being my salvation, she was my damnation as well.  
  
It happened on the night of her seventeenth birthday. It was suppose to be the most treasured experience we shared, a gift to each other. That night I became truly happy, a feeling I had not felt for hundreds of years (maybe never). At that moment of divine ecstasy I lost my soul. I became Angelus once more, a being with no regret, evil to the core. I haunted her every step, she became my obsession. I knew that the best was to hurt her was through her friends. To her credit she never gave up on me, until I killed one of her friends. I had a plan to vanquish humanity off the face of the earth and I would of succeeded too. She came after me with a vengeance, with slayer instinct to protect. At the moment she was ready to put a sword through my heart, her friend Willow (a witch) re-cursed me and gave back my soul.   
  
I woke up as if it was all a bad dream. The last thoughts I remembered were the ones of the night Buffy and I consummated our love. I looked into her eyes in confusion and I can still hear her voice whisperings to me to close my eyes. Once I closed my eyes, she kissed and said she loved me, before she rammed the sword into my heart...  
  
I came back to earth after spending an equivalent of five hundred years in hell. At the time I didn't know why or who sent me back but the only thought I had in my mind was to get back to Buffy. We tried to be friends, considering we knew the consequences of our actions if we ever became lovers again. Our love for each other was too strong. We couldn't deny our feelings for each other. How can you deny the other part of yourself? I realized that seeing, smelling and just knowing that she was around, was not a solution. It was eating me up inside. How can I be around someone who I can not have? I finally made the decision to leave her behind and try to find a new path, a new sense of purpose. I couldn't trust to say the words I longed to say to her, so I just walked away...  
  
I settled into the city of lost souls (Los Angeles) and I met up with a half-demon named Doyle. He told me about the Powers That Be, higher mystical beings, and that I'm their warrior, their champion. We set up a detective agency with the help of Cordelia, a friend from Sunydale. Doyle gets visions from the PTB, together we fight evil and help the helpless. I try to keep busy and on good days I forget about the girl I left behind.  
  
*****  
  
Until today, I became human once more.  
  
I was fighting a Morah demon and by chance out blood mixed. Due to the regenerative properties of the Morah's blood it restored my humanity. You can not imagine the sudden feeling of your heart beat that hasn't worked for hundredths of year. The sudden feeling of warmth where you had only felt cold. I wanted to shout to the whole world that I was alive again and this time I wasn't going to take it for granted. My first thought was of Buffy. We can be together again and nothing can ever come between us again. Once Doyle and I confirmed with the Powers that my state of being human was permanent I planned to go and visit Buffy in Sunnydale.  
  
I couldn't contain my emotions, I wanted to shout all the feelings I bottled up inside me long ago. The fates must of been working for me because Buffy came to Los Angeles to talk to me about something. I was walking on a pier with the sun warming my face. I can't believe that it's been decades since I was out in the sun. The rays were like bursts of energy and I felt so alive. Then all of a sudden it was like I was reliving the very moment I first laid eyes on my angel. I put my hand on my chest and I could feel my heart beat accelerating. As if in a dream, Buffy was in front of me, her golden hair shimmering in the sunlight. I reach for her, my warm fingers touching hers.  
We embrace each other tightly never wanting to let go. We share a kiss, my warm lips touching hers, a look of total surprise and wonder in her eyes.   
  
We head back to my apartment and I try to explain to her the events leading up to my being turned human again. The words "take it slow" passes our lips but we are drawn to get other like magnets. We get enveloped in a roller coaster of feelings that we can finally express. The only thing we can do is hold on to each other and go for the ride. Our lips are seeking each other trying to find the other half. She is my soul-mate, my beloved and I'm never going to let go of her again.   
  
I wake up in her arms. The feeling is so heavenly that I just want to stay like that forever. I move away not wanting to wake her. I look into her face and she is smiling in her sleep. I touch her cheek and remember the happenings of the past hours. A smile creeps up on my face and I can't help think how good food tastes, especially ice-cream and peanut butter. I put my hand onto my chest and feel the slow thumping of my heart. I smile again, remembering how Buffy just kept wanting to place her head on my chest to hear the sound of my heartbeat. I place a kiss on her slightly parted lips before the door opened to reveal Doyle wanting to talk to me. I slowly get up and whisper to him not to wake up Buffy. He tells me that the Morah demon is still alive. I get ready to hunt him down. Doyle reminds me that I don't have the strength I once had when I was a vampire and maybe we should wake up Buffy for help. I shake my heard, surely I can deal with this demon, I still have years of experience behind me.   
  
My head is spinning. I'm being thrown around like a rag doll. My vision is blurry due to the blood flowing from a gash on my temple. My body is tired and aching in places I have never felt before. For once I was on the losing end of the battle. Buffy and I just started our lives together. It surely can't end now. Can it? Suddenly a blonde goddess jumps to my aid. She defeats the Morah demon with one deafening blow to the jewel on his head. Buffy turns around a reaches out her hand to help me up. I feel so relieved and proud of her but at the same time I feel ashamed that she had to come to my aid. I'm suppose to help her fight the evil that surrounds her everyday because of her calling as the slayer. How can I do that when she's protecting me? Her love for me is a strength but it can also be used as a weapon. Once the demon world finds out the weakness in her armour, they will find a way to play that weakness against her. I am her weakness. I can not do this to her, I won't let it.  
  
I go back to the Powers and ask them to foretell me the future. They tell me about the "end of Days" and that it's fast approaching. They tell me of the warriors but now that there is only one. The strength of the one is not enough and will result in the warriors death. The power of the two is what needs to be in place for the fight to be won. I knew that the Powers were talking about Buffy and myself. How can I live with myself now that I know that I'm the reason my beloved will eventually die? I make a choice in a heartbeat I ask the Powers to turn me back into a vampire. They agree but the only way to accomplish the deed is to erase the day. They will take back the twenty-four hours, it will start again brand new. They told me that I and I alone will remember the happenings of the day. How can that be the only choice? I am the Fates and Powers champion, how come I have to live with the pain. Can they not erase my memory as well? The Powers shake their head. I realize that I am meant to remember. It is a gift that I retain the memory of the day I was finally human and that I shared it with my beloved.  
It's an incentive they told me. Once my services are no longer needed and my redemption has been fulfilled then I'll be granted humanity. So today will be etched in my mind forever. The day I gained and lost what I hold dear in my heart and soul. I slowly nod my head in agreement and slowly walk away.  
  
I hug Buffy tightly and kiss her with every ounce of my being. I want the memory to be embedded in my brain. The memory has to last me until that day comes where I'll finally be free. Buffy looks up into my eyes and can sense something is wrong. She questions me and at first I was going to lie and just let the day pass without her knowing the truth. I look at her and I couldn't do that to her. I have never lied to her and even if she would eventually forget, I never will. I want to be able to live with myself even if it will be the hardest thing to say. I slowly tell her my conversation with the Powers. She hits my chest with her fists. She tells me how could I make the decision without her (again). I run my hands through her hair and kiss her face, trying to comfort her. She cries and puts her head on my chest. My heart beat echoes in my head, a fast even beat. It gets louder and louder but I welcome it because I won't hear or feel that wonderful feeling again. Buffy is sobbing now in my arms and whispers as if in prayer "I'll never forget. I will always remember" Tears are slowly falling down my face and my heart feels like it's going to burst in pain. I kiss her with every fibre of my being. I can hear her saying the words over and over again that she will remember. The words touch my soul and I feel as if I'm falling into emptiness. The sounds of my heart gets replaced by the ticking of a clock . I reach out to my beloved but there is nothing...  
  
I open my eyes and lift my head from my desk. Buffy is standing in front of me. The look on her face is not what I expect. She starts to say something when a Morah demon crashes in. I know what to do, I strike the jewel on his head and the demon vanishes into ashes. My insides are crying because the deed was done, the day has started again. The look in Buffy's eyes are not of love but of anger. Her parting words to me was to leave her alone and then she slowly turned and walked away.  
  
My heart inert but I can feel it breaking into a thousand pieces. How can I live with knowing what I know? How is this going to get easier? Will the hurt ever go away? I close my eyes and relive the day that I was human and with my beloved and smile. One day...one day the reward that the Powers promised will happen and until then I have to go on. I remember how badly Buffy wanted to remember, maybe she will, even if only in her dreams.  
  
I look into the distance towards the sun being careful that none of it's rays touch me. My eyes are stinging with the brightness but I welcome it.  
  
"Until then my love...when I can again meet you in the sun."  
  
  
The-End?  
The "end of days" is coming. What will it bring?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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